According to data from the National Perinatal Survey (ENP) and the Epidemiological Observatory of Fertility in France (Obseff), 15 to 25% of couples are affected by difficulties in conceiving a child. Because behind the figures there are all different paths, Julie Fichera, director of the Théâtre du Cormier, and Caroline Vigoureux, journalist at L’Opinion, wrote four hands the book Everything went well, thanks to Fayard editions .
If Julie Fichera and her companion have embarked on the adventure of GPA in the United States, Caroline Vigoureux and her husband have resorted to PMA in France. Two winding journeys to welcome a child, and two stories of infertility. Through this testimony, the two childhood friends wanted to tell their fight and lift the taboo of infertility. Testimony.
Le Point: Your book is called “Everything went well, thank you”. An irony?
Caroline Vigoureux: When we were questioned during this course, we often replied mechanically that everything was fine. It was certainly a mixture of modesty and embarrassment. With this book, we wanted to highlight the taboo that we inflict on ourselves. Generally, we only talk about what is going well. Today there is a commonly accepted idea in our society that pregnancy is just a happy time. But we, with our silence, we also fed this taboo of infertility. It is not customary to say that having a child can also be a complicated journey. It was also our responsibility as women to break with this invisibilization.
Does infertility affect men and women equally?
C. V.: When the man is concerned, we affect the quality of his sperm. Because of this, some take it as an attack on their manhood. Luckily, my husband didn’t react that way at all. The question of infertility, we experienced it very differently in our couple, but it is also a question of character and not only of gender. For me, the wait was extremely painful while he was more serene. There is often the idea that the conception of a child is a woman’s problem, in reality it is a couple’s problem.
Since publishing your book, have you received testimonials from readers going through the same journey?
C. V.: We mainly received testimonies from women, proof that it is often they who are responsible for motherhood. We have had touching messages where they thank us for putting their pain into words and making this subject visible. It was also the purpose of this book to be able to help distraught couples and bring them some comfort.
Julie Fichera: Our journey with surrogacy is rarer, it’s more difficult to identify with it because it concerns fewer women. But we also wanted to free up speech around surrogacy and show that it was possible. In our journey, we have been accompanied by an association. This book is a way to show that surrogacy can represent an answer to the problem of infertility.
Was writing this book a relief?
C. V.: It’s not easy to say everything, it’s a sometimes painful journey. But I have the feeling today to be liberated on the subject. It has now been three years since our respective children were born, that’s the time it took us to digest this journey towards motherhood. I am proud to talk about it and this happy ending, but it was sometimes dizzying to deliver everything in the public square. In writing this book, I was also able to put our two paths in parallel. Our two stories are different, but I really have a feeling of injustice. In my case, everything was offered to me as if my desire for a child was more legitimate than that of Julie.
J. F.: Thanks to this testimony, I take more responsibility for our approach. Even if sometimes I’m still afraid of judgement, it was liberating and it allowed me to be more armed to talk about it. This book will not change the minds of those who take a decided position on the subject, but allows us to bring another perspective than that of the commodification of the female body. We also wanted to show that the course of the GPA was carefully thought out.
Caroline, you are expecting a second child. How are you living this motherhood?
This second pregnancy is very different from the first, it troubled me a lot. We were about to start a new assisted reproduction journey, but I finally discovered this natural pregnancy. For me, it was complicated to accept this spontaneous pregnancy. We were right in the writing of the book and, somewhere, I wondered if I was still legitimate to finish it. But, on the contrary, we also wanted to show that the journey of infertility was also punctuated by fertility.
With this book, what message did you want to convey to readers?
J. F.: For me, it was important for people to understand that we arrive at surrogacy because of an infertility problem. If we embark on such a course, it is because we cannot have children naturally. I think you always have to keep hope alive and tell yourself that it’s possible. But neither should one sacrifice one’s life to desire a child. You also have to know how to stop, set limits and refocus on yourself.
C.V.: While waiting for our child, many people around us welcomed a baby. It was sometimes difficult to reconcile my happiness for them and my pain. But you absolutely have to allow yourself to feel all these different feelings and talk about them. You have to exculpate.