Dear Dr. Peirano,
I, a lawyer, 36, met a man a year ago who I am very happy with. I feel loved and safe. We can talk to each other very openly, are physically like two magnets and have the same sense of humour. He helps me and he absolutely stands by me.
But there is a side between us that doesn’t fit at all. I come from a very well off family. I grew up in a villa in Munich’s commuter belt, had riding lessons and had my own horse. We went to Switzerland for a skiing holiday and in the summer we went sailing in the Mediterranean. My mother hosted the Munich society, my father was on the board and spoiled me and my sister quite a bit (at least materially). At home, it was often about success, money and family background.
In my circle of friends, all the “old” friends have success and enjoy it too. Many are in the process of buying a house (or even a holiday home) and the topic of conversation is always how to dress, furnish, what vacation to take or how to celebrate the wedding.
Until recently, I took that for granted and didn’t question the luxuries I could afford. Actually, I also assumed that I would find a man from my circle. So far, none have crossed my path.
Then a year ago I took some piano lessons. When I saw the piano teacher (Jan) for the first time, I immediately thought that he was my type. We played the grand piano in an old villa of my circle of friends, and at some point we really started to talk and write to each other. And shortly after that we became a couple.
At first I didn’t really think about the future. I didn’t realize that there were such big differences between us. But then I gradually realized that he lives very differently from me. He already has an 8-year-old son and takes a lot of time for him. He helps out at school and doesn’t work during that time. Since he works at the conservatory, he earns really badly. And when I saw him for the first time, I was already taken aback. There was no question of a romantic artistic life (including the grand piano). He lived in a small apartment in a working-class part of town with an aging piano and Ikea furniture.
He spends his vacations (when he can afford them) with his son at a campsite, driving a battered small car.
Jan himself had no problem with his life. It is normal for him to do without things or to have to save all the time, to shop at Aldi and to decide whether to eat out or cook for himself. The problem only arises when we are both together and our worlds collide.
I now see my life through Jan’s eyes and feel like a spoiled, superficial princess because I treat myself to a spa weekend or designer sunglasses for several hundred euros, for example. My hourly wage is 5 to 7 times his.
Jan also sees his life through my eyes and sometimes feels inadequate because he believes that lunch at the Italian restaurant around the corner is not enough for me in the long run. And to be honest, I don’t know for sure either.
Jan has a very nice and interesting circle of friends, in which I was accepted after initial skepticism. We meet in the park, someone always plays the guitar, or we cook together, go to interesting concerts and talk about music and books.
In my circle of friends, Jan is not so openly received. Men in particular have reservations and raised eyebrows when he says that he gives piano lessons to children at the conservatory. You won’t find anything to talk about with him. Some girlfriends like him because he is so charming and soulful. Other friends let it be known that I should start looking for a suitable partner soon when I think about my future.
We avoid the subject of money as much as possible. So far we haven’t found a way to have a good vacation together. He doesn’t let me invite him (which I would like to) and so “my” holiday world is closed to him. And I honestly have to say that I feel strange spending my vacation in Bavaria at the campsite.
We put off the conversation about our future (whether and where we want to live together) and whether we still want children.
But sometimes I do worry and wonder if I can free myself from the values ??of my childhood and live happily ever after with him.
Do you have some thoughts and tips for me?
Many greetings,
Katharina T.
Dear Catherine T,
There are two proverbs in love: “opposites attract” and “like attracts like”. Intensive research has shown that equality between the partners is more likely to bring about harmony and contentment in the couple. This means that two people who come from a similar background (either both from a wealthy family with classic role distribution or both, e.g. from an artist family with little money) have it easier together in many areas of life.
First of all, you two lack what I would call a “stable smell”. Stable smell, for example, means that men in suits (like my father) seem more familiar to me than men in T-shirts. It means that I immediately feel at home in large mansions and starred restaurants (like my parents’ house and my family’s favorite restaurants) and that I instinctively know what the social rules of the game are in my environment. (For example: one does not clean and do manual tasks oneself, one strives for exclusive clothes, restaurants, vacations and status symbols, one does not talk about money).
What smells like stables for you, on the other hand, is foreign to Jan. He may also have reservations about people of your origin. It could even be more than strangers: social envy or distrust of rich people (are arrogant, treat you down, don’t share, are corrupt). Your friends partly confirm the prejudices with the condescension with which they treat Jan and see him as not belonging.
And what is familiar and normal for Jan is something that “one” doesn’t do in your circles.
It’s just unfamiliar, shopping at Aldi, living in a working-class part of town, vacationing at a campsite. Here, too, there are unconscious or conscious prejudices and devaluations.
You both have to deal with the fact that each other’s lifestyle violates many ingrained social rules. How you live, how you go on holiday, what job you have and what you don’t, and also how to deal with money (for you: “show it, spend it, enjoy it, make yourself stand out from the crowd” and for Jan: “use it sparingly, don’t live beyond your means, watch out for your scarce, hard-earned money.”)
It could actually be very exciting for both of you to immerse yourself in a parallel society through love for one another, which you both apparently did not know before and with which you had little contact before. Jan did not wish to get to know the world of luxurious hotels and exclusive trips, nor did you long to live more modestly and spend your holidays at the campsite. However, as a result of your encounter, it just happened that you have to deal with the different origins. You two are of course not the only ones. There are many couples who come from different countries, professional backgrounds or religions and have to design for themselves how they want to live.
The most important skills you would both need for your relationship to succeed would be
-Tolerance for the different living environment of the other
-Openness and curiosity to consciously do something different and try something new
– Appreciation and respect for other perspectives (instead of bossiness and insistence on the status quo)
-Humour to defuse difficult situations
– Serenity to let things and people be the way they are
and
-Sensitivity to find out what hurts the other and what you have to be very sensitive about.
How do you two communicate about your different origins? Are there statements like: “I’ve never been to a 5-star hotel, but I like it” Or: “I would never have thought of camping, and this campsite is a bit too loud for me, but I could very well imagine that on a nature-loving campsite.”? Or: Thank you for making me think and broadening my horizons?
It would be important for both of you to consciously strengthen the cohesion in your relationship and find your own way of going on vacation (e.g. visiting friends, renting romantic but inexpensive holiday apartments, sometimes camping and sometimes going to a good hotel).
The integration into Jan’s circle of friends is a good step, and in that sense you could find more living space for both of you. It also depends on your attitude: do you want to experience new things and step out of your comfort zone, or do you try to change the other person to adapt to your habits and environment?
First of all, I would advise you to make your own values ??clear in terms of finances, status, leisure activities, human qualities, which really matter, and to question them courageously. If you have values ??that you don’t live by yet, but that Jan lives, you could open up a large area for personal change here. It always remains exciting with the right attitude.
Best regards,
Julia Peirano