Odessa residents are defying the war. At the beginning of May there were Russian rocket attacks, which also killed people. But despite the danger, people meet for a coffee and, whenever possible, fight back a bit of everyday life, says Ukrainian German teacher Karina Beigelzimer.
War has been raging in Ukraine for almost 100 days. But I’m better than when I started. Well, that’s not entirely true. Today, for example, I woke up with the horror that the war has now become part of everyday life. So I’m not really doing better, I’ve just gotten used to the current circumstances.
No normal person can get used to war. In May there were many air raids and rocket attacks on Odessa. Houses were destroyed and people died. It was particularly bad on May 9th. A rocket fell very close to us and I felt my house tremble as well. Actually, you can’t get used to war, but it happens anyway. Because if you don’t manage to adapt, you won’t survive it all. I mean mentally too.
That’s why I’m surprised and annoyed by some of the comments under the reports. Like yesterday. To a report about Kyiv and Chernihiv, where some residents have returned, some cafes have opened again, many wrote: “What, it’s war and Ukrainians are walking, sitting and drinking coffee?” My reaction to that is: What is this? You should be happy that people can still distract themselves here. It’s not that we’re not aware of the danger of falling victim to a missile attack at any time. But we want normality back, if only a tiny bit!
I think of Mariupol, Bucha, of the atrocities committed there. Here in Odessa, too, we have refugees from Kharkiv, Mariupol and Bucha. Listening to what they have experienced and seen is almost impossible. And I wonder if coming to Odessa was the right decision for these traumatized people, who have seen and suffered and are branded by untold suffering, rather than seeking safety abroad.
Almost all my friends are gone. Sometimes loneliness overcomes me. On my birthday in April I received congratulations from all continents. Of course I was very happy about that. A few are back as well, others would love to return but aren’t sure if it’s the right thing to do. They call me and ask: “Karina, what do you mean, can we come back?” What am I supposed to answer? “Yes come on.” And what if something happens to them? I wouldn’t forgive myself for the rest of my life.
Because Mykolaiv is so close to Odessa, many think we all have to live in fear here. But that’s not the case. Of course, the Russians destroyed an incredible amount there, but they didn’t take the city, which is much smaller than Odessa. I also think an attack from the sea is rather unlikely. In my opinion, the greatest danger is the rocket attacks. They destroy, kill and wear people down.
I don’t know anymore if it was a good idea for my parents to stay in Odessa. We often discuss what to do, how to proceed. Whenever there is an air raid alarm, my mother is terrified and says, “I want to get out of here.” But as soon as the all-clear comes, she changes her mind: “Leave Odessa, go abroad? No, never!” And that’s actually how I feel too. As I said, the days around May 9th were terrible and I too thought: “I have to go, I can’t take it anymore.” But when it’s quiet again, I say to myself: “We’re still alive, life goes on.”
Odessa with its architecture and the trees that are just blossoming is a dream. The city really is the pearl of the Black Sea. On Derybasivska Street, that’s our main and shopping street, you won’t see any more tanks or sandbags. They stand and lie in the side streets. Some cafes have reopened. Here you see more people than anywhere else in the city. Young people make music, there are small concerts at the book market. All this helps us not to think about the war for a few hours.
Now the school year has come to an end in Odessa. Since the beginning of the war, classes have only been online. In some regions there was none at all. I still managed to meet three students from the 7th grade and invite them to a pizza. My high school class gathered online to say goodbye to me. The students sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers by delivery man. Most of them are no longer in Odessa and I don’t know if they will ever come back.
I have no idea what I’m going to do this summer vacation. I used to like going to the sea, but now everything is mined. I was there a few days ago. Despite the desolation of the deserted beaches, I felt almost nothing. We experience so many bad things every day that it dulls us.
I’m sure I’ll write more articles for newspapers now and pick up a book again. Before the war I was an avid reader. Now I’m trying, but a moment later I’m watching the news on the internet to know what’s happening in my country. I can not concentrate. I know this has to change, but I can’t do it now.
But there are also positive moments. Starting with the reactions to my first report from Odessa, which ntv.de published in March. So many people have written to me and continue to write to me, asking how I am doing and what they can do. A Cologne resident who read the article has already been here twice with relief supplies. A German company that has a branch in Odessa continues to work despite the war so that the employees do not remain without work and salary. Which is an invaluable help, because according to the statistics office, every third Ukrainian is now unemployed.
Speaking of the economy. Many shops have reopened, but are only selling the stocks because there are no more supplies. Some didn’t open at all because they don’t have enough employees or because the people don’t have any money anyway and spend what little they have left on the bare essentials, primarily food.
The fear that this war will go on for a long time because Putin neither wins nor loses has solidified in me. That’s why I particularly appreciate the expressions of solidarity that I get from people I’ve never met. And everyone, no matter where they are, should be aware of how quickly everything can be lost.