“Give every day the chance to be the best day of your life,” Mark Twain once said. The famous writer was apparently an optimistic person. So far, so good. If we take a closer look at the sentence, then he also has something Demanding in itself Let’s assume we follow Mark Twain’s advice and try from now on to really get the very best out of every single day that we can.
That could quickly become stressful, right? Of course, we don’t have to overinterpret the sentence either. But he shows very nicely how fluid the linguistic boundaries can be between optimism and toxic positivity, between encouragement and pressure.
The good news first: optimism is a quality that has been proven to help us live longer and healthier lives. So it makes sense to look at life from the positive side. Just don’t let it get too positive. As soon as we only sit on the sunny side and ignore that the shade also has its place, it quickly becomes unhealthy.
Then we talk about toxic positivity. The phenomenon describes people who are almost compulsively always looking for the positive and thereby suppress negative thoughts and feelings. These are the people who, even in the current climate crisis, the Ukraine war and the coronavirus pandemic, fail to recognize the seriousness of the situation and mimic the lucky bear at every opportunity.
You guessed it: Toxic positivity is not only a risk for those affected, but sometimes also for those around them. Namely, when the toxic lucky bears mean well by us and want to find comforting words. The problem with it: Those who have internalized toxic positivity think differently about crises and problems. This in turn means that well-intentioned sentences end up doing more harm to those who suffer than helping them.
Unfortunately, we’ve all internalized toxic phrases from time to time because they’re more common than you’d expect. So that you don’t accidentally slip into toxic positivity, we’ll show you eight sentences that are well intentioned but toxic – and tell you really helpful alternatives.
You’ve probably heard this phrase before. Maybe when you banged your foot or when you threw your heart out to a friend with heartbreak and a pack of ice cream. Did it help you in that moment to hear that there are worse things to do in this confusing, chaotic world? Probably not. Especially since the feeling of suffering is a highly subjective matter. As much as we sometimes want to, we can’t relate to what other people are feeling.
So to tell someone that there are worse things to do when they appear to be suffering is presumptuous. Even if the intention is certainly different. Those who point out that there are worse things out there may actually want to lessen the suffering of those affected. Instead, with this sentence he rather reduces the right to complain about the suffering felt. It is often enough to just be there and listen when someone shares their concerns with us.
This sentence is toxic positivity as it lives and breathes. The truth is that we have control over how we respond to the events of our lives. In theory, we could therefore decide to see a stroke of fate positively. But if we have now lost a loved one, it is again more difficult to implement.
If you don’t allow feelings like sadness, fear and guilt, you will sooner or later be served them again. And repressed feelings usually come back with double the force. When we are sad, then we are sad. And if we are angry about something, then we are allowed to be angry. Sure, at some point we should try to get something positive out of every crisis in order not to sink into the deep – but when that is the case is different for each individual. So if we mean well, we could instead say, “I understand the situation is stupid and I’m here if you need me.”
If we want to express our sympathy, then a sentence like this slips over our lips. Sometimes we even feel obliged to dig up similar situations from our wealth of experience and tell them along with all the lessons we were able to draw from them. The problem: We then talk about ourselves and often don’t really help our counterpart.
Especially since – we already had this topic – we don’t really know how the other person is doing. We can’t do that and nobody expects that either. How about sincerity instead? If you are suffering and want to communicate, a sentence like “I’m listening to you and I would like to understand how you feel” will help.
Good attempt, but a very daring thesis. Especially when our counterpart is in a life crisis. When we suffer, we often don’t see the forest for the trees. That is, we wallow in our suffering and spin spirals of worry until we have a whole collection of problems laid out in front of us. If someone then tells us that everything will be fine – then this sentence just bounces off our mourning wall. It doesn’t make it through because it sounds so banal in a moment of worry.
In the worst case, it is misinterpreted in such a way that the sufferer feels that he is not being taken seriously and closes himself off. Instead, it pays to simply acknowledge suffering as such. Crunchy moments and difficult phases are part of life – why not name them as such and say: “Yeah, it’s all pretty stupid right now.” That takes the pressure off of having to feel good again as soon as possible.
Many people tend to just ignore their problems. Lost the job? No problem, party with the boys and forget about your worries. Marriage failed? A nice holiday by the sea will do the trick. Of course, at first it’s easy to swap the negative for something positive. Intellectually, we are all capable of doing this. We shouldn’t do it anyway, because repressed feelings are proven to make you ill.
The advice “Don’t think about it” is not particularly helpful in this respect. This can come across as disinterested, especially when the other person is revealing his or her worries. By the way, this is an effect that toxically positive people often have. This is why this attitude to life always leads So next time “Don’t think about it” is on the tip of your tongue, you might want to say something like, “What would be good for you right now?” , but without pressure.
Of course, the good old fatalism should not be missing here either. Of course you are welcome to continue to believe in fate. But remember, when someone tells you they’re sorry, that might not be the most charming way to show their support. Imagine you’ve just received a life-changing diagnosis. Does it help you then that this is probably your destiny? Rather not.
You may have to digest the whole thing before you can see the big picture again. That’s exactly the point: in the moment of crisis, we can only see up to the tip of our noses. And fate doesn’t seem to put things into perspective, as if our problem weren’t big enough to complain about. Instead, convey to the other person that you take their concerns seriously and support them. It usually doesn’t need more than that.
From fate directly to the “self-blame strategy”. Yes, we can actively change our way of thinking. However, this usually happens after we have survived crises and not in the middle of them. And let’s be honest: Even if we have the smartest attitude to life in the world we can’t do everything.
It always depends on our origin, our living conditions and our physical condition, not to mention the thickness of our wallet. So if you say that to someone, you are flat out lying to them. Here’s the best alternative: just say nothing.
We always have to be strong and we mustn’t give up? puff cake! Or are you just saying you’ve never failed? Defeats are part of it and are even important in order to be able to find our way in life. If we don’t dare to fail, we may miss out on wonderful encounters and educational experiences and always stay in our comfort zone.
And as the saying goes: life takes place outside of one’s own nose. So just delete this sentence from your vocabulary – for yourself and for others. Because failure is more than allowed.
