ntv chief moderator Christoph Teuner tests restaurants in Germany and Europe together with Alexander Oetker, ntv France expert and bestselling author. From star cuisine to home-style, from vegan to carnivorous, from the Far East to brutally regional. This week he’s venturing into the ultimate foodie nightmare: McDonald’s.
“You guys are completely insane! What in God’s name is a text about McDonald’s doing in a restaurant column? Are buns and frozen meatballs worth a word from a food critic? Really!”
Done scolding, dear readers? Hopefully. Ready for lots of questions, a few unconventional thoughts and a no-holds-barred coming out? Would be nice.
So: Is something that is mass-produced automatically bad? Is a Grand BBQ Cheese bad just because most of the people who order it have never been to a starred restaurant and maybe never will? Does a McRib taste bad just because it’s cheap? Definitely not automatically. And what do you think of this question: Is it possible that the loudest “My God, you really eat fast food?” snobs are people who don’t realize if a veal gravy made of many kilos of roasted bones and trimmings has been cooked for hours and reduced or whether it was quickly stirred together with ready-made stock and thickeners?
I’ll take it even further and claim: It doesn’t matter whether McDonald’s food meets the standard gourmet criteria; in the end it doesn’t matter that some taste good and some don’t. For example, the classic Chicken McNuggets is a disappointment. Yes, the pieces are wonderfully crispy and smell of fresh (!) fat. And yes, the sweet and sour sauce is creamy and delicious as always, even if there is too much sugar in it. But the chicken! Smells and tastes of absolutely nothing!
The situation is similar with the contemporary Fresh Vegan TS. The brown disc between the Kukident-compatible roll halves, the many salads and the – commendable! – raw red onion looks like meat, bites like whole grain bread and leaves an aromatic void that the tentatively zesty cocktail sauce can’t handle. In terms of marketing, however, they do it quite well, with their new perspective on sustainability, diversity and such. You almost forget that the burger-producing cattle continue to belch and fart too much methane into the atmosphere, that the food overall contains too much fat and sugar and that the employees are meagerly paid.
But back to my thesis: McDonald’s is like “Stairway to Heaven”, “Billie Jean” or “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. The canteen charm of the “Restaurants”, the smell and the taste work just like the songs. You are a time machine! Suddenly I’m little Christoph again at lunch between school and piano lessons sometime in the 70s. How I loved the fries, which I now find too dusty-floury, especially if I don’t eat them right away. Or I’m the student Christoph with buddies on late Saturday evening between two parties. That the classic cheeseburgers seem tiny and wrinkled to me today – it didn’t matter back then. Instead, happy young men talk with their mouths full – about girls, football and cars. Or I transform myself into the young father Christoph, whom his 5-year-old son teaches, somewhat precociously, that you have to order a Hamburger Royal without pickles so that you get it freshly made. Bright memories and pleasant feelings that can be revived at any time for a few euros, detached from the actual taste experience.
There is one exception, however, which brings me to the announced outing, which in the eyes of some of you may disqualify me as a person who understands nothing about food. So be it: I love the Big Mac! Yes indeed! The unrivaled creamy spiciness of the sauce; also a bit sweet, but what the heck. The easily perceptible, never dominating taste of meat without too many toasted notes. The always firm, never mushy bite of the patties. The slight crunch when you chew the bits of lettuce that always fall out the side and clutter the cardboard box. The little sour tips of the good gherkins that pop up in between. In short: the perfect proportions between all ingredients, graded down to the gram in millions of tests and after thousands upon thousands of surveys. A sloppy icon!
And the moral of the story’? When you are open to everything, you get more enjoyment. Life is much nicer when you like Bach and ABBA, Goethe and Asterix, Dürer and his children’s doodles. Or turbot and McDo burgers. Everything in its own time.
Oh yes, the wine recommendation. How about a 2022 Château Coca Cola? Strong reddish brown, strongly sparkling, lovely, long finish. Blends impressively with every dish on the menu.
