It’s usually like this: When teenage years come, you fall in love, you kiss, you touch, there are romantic feelings, the desire for sex. But that’s not the case for everyone: around one percent of people in Germany are asexual. Can they still have relationships, start a family?
Evelyne Aschwanden has been waiting for years. On the fact that it finally sets in – the infatuation, the desire for sex. She felt deeply into herself, looked for the butterflies in her stomach. But it was quiet there. what’s wrong with me That’s what she asked herself when she saw how her school friends dared to take the first steps towards romantic love. How they had a crush on their hair.
Evelyne Aschwanden thought that was exaggerated, but wanted to belong. And then there was this boy. “We were 15 years old,” she says. “He was in love with me.” Her friends pushed her and the two became a couple. “I thought it was great,” recalls Evelyne Aschwanden. “But that feeling didn’t come from deep inside.” She quickly felt that she could not give the boy what he wanted. She separated – and felt liberated.
She is now 26 years old. She’s had a few dates, but never been in a relationship. Aschwanden never tried sex either. Nothing is wrong with her, she says. “My aversion to sex and romance is a deeply ingrained feeling. It’s mine.” Evelyne Aschwanden is asexual and aromantic.
Asexuality – a subject laden with prejudice. “You just have to meet the right person”, “It’s a disorder, let yourself be treated”, “You’re just frustrated and can’t find a partner” – these are sentences that Evelyne Aschwanden finds on her Instagram account she speaks openly about herself. “None of this is true,” she says.
Finding a universal definition of asexuality is difficult, says Irina Brüning. She is a board member of AktivistA, an association that wants to make the asexual spectrum visible. One could say that asexuality is a sexual orientation according to nothing.
In the meantime, two definitions have been established. “Many say that they have no sexual attraction to others,” says Brüning. “Others prefer to express it as having no desire for sexual interaction.”
But even that only covers a small part. Because asexuality can look very different. “Some people feel repulsed by sexual intercourse, but like to cuddle or kiss,” says Brüning. “Some masturbate or are just indifferent to the subject of sex.” However, they all have one thing in common: for them, sexual intercourse is not necessary to express love.
Love – this feeling is often denied to asexuals. “That’s fundamentally wrong,” says Irina Brüning. Asexuals can fall in love head over heels too. Only the desire for sex is missing.
But where does the sexual disinterest in other people come from? There is no explanation for this, says Prof. Johannes Fuß, Director at the Institute for Forensic Psychiatry and Sex Research at the University of Duisburg-Essen.
It is important, however, that asexuality is not a disorder and does not require treatment. “Because of their orientation, asexual people generally don’t feel any psychological strain. And where there is no suffering, we don’t have to treat it,” says the specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy.
A disorder tends to lie in the environment, which often still knows too little about asexuality and often stigmatizes those affected or puts them under pressure.
According to estimates, around one percent of Germans feel they belong to the asexual spectrum – the level of education is correspondingly low, says Irina Brüning from the AktivistA association. She would like more visibility so that young people in particular can find explanations and connect with other asexual people.
“Many don’t know what’s going on with them for years. They suffer from not fitting into the scheme F and urgently need exchange and advice,” says Brüning. You could find them, for example, in the Whatsapp-based community “Anteaters – Community for the asexual and aromantic spectrum”. It can be found on the connected Facebook page of the same name. Aspec*german is also a contact point for those interested – just like the AktivistA association.
More information – Evelyne Aschwanden would have needed it as a teenager. At the time, she started her own search. “There’s nothing worse than not knowing who you are,” she says. She scoured the internet, it took her years to finally find a definition for what she felt – or not. Since then she has exchanged ideas intensively in internet forums, has many friends who feel they belong to the asexual spectrum and is open about her orientation.
“With appropriate sex education, we could make it easier for young people to find themselves,” says Johannes Fuß. One possibility is to talk about pleasure and displeasure as part of sex education lessons. “This topic is often left out. We often only explain to our young people very precisely the purely mechanical process of sexual intercourse, how babies are made and what has to happen for it.”
Planning children – this is also a topic that asexual women in particular are repeatedly confronted with, says Irina Brüning from the AktivistA association. “Just because people aren’t sexually attracted to others, they can still start a family.” This is the case, for example, with asexual people who are in a relationship and have sex to plan a family.
Of course, a relationship without sex can also cause difficulties, says Irina Brüning. “If one wants and the other doesn’t, you have to find a way.” Many asexual people who are romantic tend to find compromise in their relationships. Or: You were looking for a partner who was also asexual but romantic from the start.
Evelyne Aschwanden says with a wink that she is happy to be both asexual and aromantic. “Of course, that saves me a lot of problems.” She doesn’t feel lonely – without an intimate confidant. She lives in a flat share, works as a freelance copywriter and writes books in her free time.
And she loves. Your parents, siblings, friends. “It’s a shame that romance is being prioritized above all other forms of love,” she says. “My life is full of love; even without sex and a partner.”
