Steve Ellis was shocked to hear that he had been given a shocking piece of information in 1988. This would have reverberations for over 30 years and eventually lead to an unexpected friendship.
Steve Ellis was working in London at Bella magazine’s London offices when the letter arrived. Steve immediately recognized the handwriting on the envelope, which had a Halifax stamp.
“Dear Stephen,” began the letter.
“Believe it or not, no one knows how much pain I’ve endured over the years. I was forgiven by people for my actions, but it is hard to forgive yourself.
Steve, a 37-year-old editor of the women’s magazine was one of its founding editors. He had been raised by Dorothy, his single mother. Dorothy wrote that she also had a second child, a girl who was born two years later than her son.
Dorothy wrote that Steve and his sister had the same father. However, he was married with a child and had a family.
Steve says, “It was her first time that she had ever mentioned having another child.” It burst into a bubble, of silence, between mother and son.
Dorothy wrote, “Stephen, please forgive me for my past, for it was so heartbreaking for me.” “I love and miss you so much.”
Steve wasn’t surprised by the surprise letter his mother wrote to him. He had actually discovered the secret of his mother’s death 25 years ago when he found a bunch of letters in her bedroom.
One of them was a certificate of birth for Susan Ellis, who was born December 1953, two years after Ellis.
Steve says, “I was so shocked – I wasn’t the only one in the world.”
The Ashton-under-Lyne Adoption Society also sent letters, saying things such as, “We’re very sorry” and “This is very sinful,” and “I hope you forgive me.”
Steve, ten years old, knew what adoption meant. But he couldn’t grasp other terms and felt guilty when he discovered his mother’s secrets. Steve never spoke to his mother about the things he found.
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Steve drove to Halifax with his mother the day after she had sent him her letter. Through tears, Dorothy shared with him the story of how she had breastfed her baby for 10 weeks and 2 days at home before she was taken away.
Steve says that a second “illegitimate” child was born in a terraced two-bedroom house with seven, sometimes eight, occupants.
He and his mother lived with Dorothy’s parents at the time, along with three to four of their siblings. His grandmother was a cleaner and his grandfather worked at a carpet mill. Dorothy was unemployed and couldn’t support her family.
Dorothy described a “horrendous burden” of guilt and the stigma of being an unmarried mother having given up one of her children. It was difficult to find work as many employers didn’t accept single mothers. Some of Dorothy’s closest friends would not speak to her for years if she ever spoke to them.
Steve said that people crossed the road to refuse to speak to her because she had an unwed child. She was a fallen woman.”
Steve was always curious about Susan. He asked Dorothy if he would like to find Susan. His mother answered, “Yes.”
Steve began filling out forms at General Register Office within days. On the premise that Susan might be living in that area, he contacted solicitors and a private detective agency.
Steve states, “No reply came.” He did not see anything, and he was unable to find any response.
Steve wondered often as he grew older if his sister was that stranger he saw on the street. He wanted to find Susan for his own sake and for his mother’s.
He says, “I cannot imagine a day going by without her thinking of her daughter.”
“In some ways it’s worse that death. You don’t know who the mother of your child is, what her looks like, if she was a nice person or not, and if she has been successful. She is there, but she isn’t.
Steve was in his 60s by 2019, and was resigned that he would never find his sister. In the years that followed, however, the law changed to allow intermediary agencies the ability to trace individuals who were separated from their biological parents before December 2005. Steve realized that there was help available and contacted an agency to tell them all he knew about Susan Ellis. Within months, a specialist researcher had the news.
Steve said, “My sister was still alive.”
They warned him to be careful as Susan might not know she was adopted. They wrote a delicately written letter, and waited. Susan’s reply was not what Steve had expected.
He says, “She was very mad and shocked.”
Susan, who was told she’d been placed in care following the death of her mother, but had no idea she had any living relatives, said that she needed to take time to think about her brother’s proposal.
Steve had hoped Susan would be receptive and that they might form a sibling relationship. But after more than five months, he lost hope.
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The intermediary rang on a sunny April day, only a few weeks into the second Covid lockdown in 2020. It wasn’t great news. Susan had already died three days before.
Steve said, “I sat in the garden crying.” He was sad that he had missed my sister.
Steve was told by the intermediary that Graham, his sister’s husband wanted to speak to him. Later that evening, they spoke.
Sarah, whose name was changed from Susan at adoption, had been open to the idea to contact Steve. Graham explained that her health had been declining after a complex heart bypass operation and she had been admitted to hospital.
Steve says that as she became more sick, she was more conciliatory. She wanted to contact Steve. “But her health declined to the point that it was too late.”
Sarah died alone, and her death certificate included Covid-19.
Graham created a photo of Sarah even though he was grieving and answered Steve’s questions. Graham described her as bubbly, friendly and warm, and said she loved living.
Steve said, “It was 66 Years of history condensed in 90 minutes.”
Sarah was raised by loving adoptive parents. Her father was a headmaster and they lived in an enormous, detached house.
Steve says, “There’s a wonderful irony in there, of these contradictions in her and mine.” “I was left in a crowded Halifax backstreet hovel, while my sister went on to a very grand life.”
Sarah attended a fee-paying school and served three years in the RAF as an officer. She also owned her own coffee shop.
A few days later, Graham sent Steve a photo of Sarah. It was the first photograph he’d ever seen.
Steve says, “When it appeared on the screen I broke down.” It was 60 years of accumulated emotion. It was the most amazing feeling. I have never experienced it before, and it hasn’t happened since.
“She was still dead, but she came back alive.”
Steve and his wife viewed Graham alone in the crematorium the day before Sarah’s funeral via a video link from home. They began to communicate by phone every day and their bond grew.
Graham eventually invited Steve to stay with him in the home he shared with Sarah. Steve felt closer to his sister by spending time with her husband over 25 years, looking through photos and visiting places she’d been,
He also discovered interesting parallels – the two of them played piano by ear, and enjoyed baking. Steve was struck by Sarah’s watercolour style and was inspired to paint some of her paintings.
He says, “You wouldn’t be able tell whether she’d painted them or me.”
Steve’s sister Dorothy, his mother, died two-years before Steve found her. She carried her guilt to their grave. Steve feels a deep sadness for his mother, Dorothy. He couldn’t comfort her about the outcome of the baby she gave away.
He says, “It would be wonderful to let her know she had gone to loving, kind parents.”
Steve is grateful for his relationship with his brother-in law, who fulfilled Sarah’s dying wishes and made it possible for Steve to make a “pilgrimage”, in which he learned about his sister.
Steve, now 70, says, “I will never meet her, I won’t get to speak to her, and that is a source for regret forever.”
“Yet, I’ve got Sarah to know after her passing. Graham, her husband, opened their hearts and their home to me to learn as much about my long-lost sibling – an act that is amazing in generosity.”
Steve Ellis, all photos
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