Not because of the festival of love: Christmas is not a contemplative time in all families. After the holidays, the house blessing often hangs crooked. A psychologist explains how to avoid conflict and lower expectations.
Christmas is considered a festival of love, a “contemplative” time – but in many families the house blessing is lopsided after the holidays. Especially when extended families get together again this year after two years of the pandemic, disputes are likely to be inevitable. dr Hanne Horvath, psychologist and co-founder of the online therapy platform HelloBetter, explains in an interview how conflicts are best avoided, how generational differences should be dealt with and why parents shouldn’t put themselves under pressure at Christmas time.
Many families are coming together for the festival for the first time this year after two years of the pandemic. How can the house blessing be preserved? Is there any way to prepare for this?
dr Hanne Horvath: Christmas is generally considered the celebration of love – so what could be nicer than ending the year with your loved ones and spending Christmas together with your family? Sure, that sounds good, but above all it sounds like great expectations. However, when our expectations are very high, stress is usually pre-programmed. We want to make sure that everything really goes according to plan and that puts us under pressure. For relaxed and, above all, peaceful Christmas days, it helps to clarify expectations in good time.
This applies to ourselves as well as to the needs of others. By asking ourselves and our family members what is important to us for a successful Christmas celebration and what we definitely don’t want, we take the pressure off when it comes to gifts, food or sensitive communication issues. Being transparent about expectations and planning the Christmas holidays together reduces the stress in the run-up and helps to keep the anticipation for Christmas and the house blessing during the holidays.
During the Christmas days, I also recommend avoiding a program that is too tight and planning enough breaks and opportunities to retreat – especially for the adults. Children, on the other hand, need opportunities to run around, including in the fresh air. And as good as the planning may be: If we prepare for the fact that things can go differently than expected, we are not wrong. Perfect Christmas days like in a picture book and lasting harmony among family members is in most cases pure illusion. Anyone who communicates their expectations in advance, is open to the needs of other family members and leaves enough room for flexibility when planning the holidays takes the pressure off things and is less disappointed.
Why are there so many fights between family members on the holidays?
Understanding the needs of others is often neglected at Christmas. Many people then act exclusively from their own point of view, in sociology one then speaks of normative expectations. However, if every family member has normative expectations, harmonious coexistence is rarely possible. That’s why we should consider together with our family members: What does a successful Christmas party look like for us? What is important to us? Just like: What do we absolutely not want to eat, talk about, or give as gifts? Being open to the wants and needs of our family members can go a long way in avoiding arguments.
Since we leave our usual everyday life and daily routine during the holidays, there can be personal restrictions, which causes stress for some, which in turn can lead to arguments. Sufficient breaks and opportunities to withdraw therefore support the freedom of the individual family members and avoid stress and arguments in advance.
When several generations meet, there are often differences of opinion. What is the best way to deal with this? Do you think it makes sense to avoid certain hot topics, such as politics or the climate?
The gathering of the family often also means a meeting of different experiences, opinions and values, after all, different generations usually come together at Christmas. Differences of opinion are pre-programmed to a certain extent and quite natural. We can prepare in advance for them to occur and plan a possible response in advance. With the question: How do I behave when the topic of climate change comes up, for example, I can play through the situation in my head and find a good way of dealing with possible conflicts. Attempts to avoid disputes at all costs, especially at Christmas, often fail. This cautious, avoidant behavior creates tension and pressure in advance and often ends up being exactly the opposite.
How do you approach family members with whom there may already be a dispute in advance?
When you find yourself in a situation where there is an argument with other family members, celebrating Christmas together can be the last thing you want to do. But with the right approach, the situation can be made more comfortable for everyone involved, and maybe even pave the way for an improvement in the relationship in the future. If it is possible, we can first contact the other family member to discuss how best to manage the meeting. This gives both parties the opportunity to prepare themselves emotionally and mentally for the encounter. In this way, expectations can be clarified and boundaries can be set so that the encounter does not escalate.
By taking care of ourselves beforehand, we can reduce stress and anxiety levels and increase our ability to calm down in difficult situations.
But we should also recognize when is enough and, if necessary, limit our time with family members with whom we are conflicted. If tensions arise during the meeting, we can remove ourselves from the situation and do something else to avoid escalation.
Christmas can be particularly stressful for parents if they want to conjure up a nice party for their children. How do I handle this?
Many parents put themselves under enormous pressure to make Christmas unforgettable for their children, for example by wanting to give them something very special. However, perfect gifts and an elaborately planned party are not necessary to make children happy. They are happiest when everyone is together and they are enjoying peaceful, beautiful and fun family moments, doing things together and creating memories that last. Christmas is a good time to establish personal traditions that children look forward to each year, such as baking cookies, making Christmas decorations, and decorating the home together.
