The Germans used to be home coaches for the national soccer team, today they explain to journalists how to do their job. Our columnist asks whether dentists and plumbers also get emails saying, “Would you have stood by Adolf Hitler as a minion?”
Esteemed readers, here I am again, you “stupid Western propagandist and liar”, as a reader recently told me, who also attested to my “incompetence”. As you can see, I didn’t die of grief and I survived that too. I am feeling well again. I’ve just come from the toilet, my stomach has finally settled down – and I would love it if the rest of the world would follow his example. But unfortunately that is not in sight. Winter is coming, the electricity is running out, we will freeze. And it’s hard to find solace these days, weeks, months and years when one crisis follows another.
Well, the outdoor pools have closed, which has significantly reduced the number of mass brawls in Germany. This is a step forward in our attempts to get along peacefully. Don’t always moan and complain. You also have to see the positive side of life, I keep saying that. I – as you know, a very good person by birth – try very hard to lead by example. Although I’m not a fan of constructive journalism because it’s silly and can backfire. When I recently stated that the Taliban cannot be accused of Islamophobia, one reader told me: “Your cynicism disgusts me.” The content of the statement was correct.
It gets cute when readers want to be funny and address me as “Heavily injured Mr. Schmoll”, although I’m always happy when my critics even use a salutation and a greeting when saying goodbye. Where has it gone, the good old courtesy? Angry and furious people, not just defenders of the West and weird ones, tend to use first-name terms and are not squeamish in their choice of words when I talk about the misdeeds of Kremlin cleaners, the well-known leaders of the cleaning crew, who cleanse the Ukraine of all Ukrainians in the proven Nazi style wants to complain and cast a small shadow on the otherwise flawless past of Gazprom-Gerd in Hanover and Pipeline-Manu in Schwerin.
“You are the biggest Nazi here, who only sees himself and wants power everywhere. Start with yourself!” I want power? So so. Irina makes it shorter and just sends me a “Z”. Zombie or french kiss? I don’t know what Irina prefers. “What nonsense you write about Schröder! Would you have stood by Adolf Hitler as a favourite?” Or also: “Schröder was one of the few politicians who opposed the allegiance of the Americans and thus the Iraq war. They and their clients are following the Americans eastward in lockstep! Another follower who is now writing for ntv!”
They laugh, but I get stuff like that all the time. It always amazes me how remote diagnosticians manage to glean so much about my life from the few lines I snip off every few days. The clairvoyants can look into my skull and know exactly how I tick, that I only write this and that so that it clicks, I get new orders and don’t become unemployed. The editors don’t even know what the topic of the “Schmoll-Ecke” is until I’ve emailed the text (like this one). Nevertheless, it is firmly asserted: “You really have to polarize/provoke/polemize, otherwise you won’t be able to get rid of your pamphlets either.” If that were the case, I would only bash the Greens, preferably Saint Annalena – that always clicks.
We used to have 83 million home coaches for the national soccer team, today there are 83 million journalism experts who know what’s going wrong. It’s also hilarious when readers write to me that they miss “objectivity” and/or “balance” in my work, which is completely impossible with a column or commentary as these are opinion pieces and my views are only subjective be able.
Although-but guys then explain to me how it should work. They “resolutely condemn” the Russian war against Ukraine, but immediately emphasize that “our mainstream media are silent about the arguments of the other side”: “Taking the example of Bucha video evidence convinced me more of the innocence of the Russian army than the hollow accusations of our politics/media.” This is as crazy as the whole world we live in.
“It’s the back room in the Chancellery and the Press Council that decides what the people can ‘say’,” one reader told me. That doesn’t exactly match my experience either. I can understand criticism of German journalism. I am firmly convinced that we have to discuss the book by Precht and Welzer – and we do – even if some of their theses are on shaky ground. It is more than regrettable that millions of people do not recognize themselves in the media and that we journalists cannot “pick up” them.
But just to avoid being “mainstream” I will not write that the Corona pandemic is or could be the work of a world Jewish conspiracy and has Kremlin plasterers bombing homes to resist NATO. I wonder if the people who explain to me what I’m doing wrong and how my job, which I’ve been doing for 30 years, is supposed to work, if they also write to their dentist, plumber or property manager by email: “You’re a miserable one “Mainstream. Would you have been a favorite of Adolf Hitler? Find another job.”
Unsolicited careers advice is part of my everyday life. It goes like this: “Not every crap that people have in their brains has to be printed. Completely meaningless garbage that you can no longer read, throwing up anyway,” said one email. “There is a great demand for skilled workers in Europe. Become a hairdresser or a pastor, if necessary a bricklayer or carpenter.” What does emergency mean? Masons and carpenters are great jobs. That’s pretentious. And where there is arrogance, infantilism is not far away. Punishment follows immediately: “I just blocked ntv,” Irmgard let me know without being asked. Fine with me.
