I work in a chiropractic office; we have an elderly patient who is a client. He lived in the Cayman Islands much of his life and loves to tell stories about his time there. He uses the N-word when talking about the people of the island. He has never used this term in front of other patients, so I believe he knows better. Should I tell my boss, who’s very “old school” and likely wouldn’t care? Or say something myself?
Your patient is “elderly” and your boss is “old school.” Who cares? An old bigot is still a bigot. An old racist is still a racist. An old sexist is … hmm … nostalgic?
As I get old and grumpy (grumpier?), I am increasingly disturbed by antique crocks using their accumulation of years to justify appalling behaviour and attitudes. Hiding behind the tired, untrue adage that “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” these wearisome old gossips, huddled in coffee shops, spout racist, sexist, homophobic nonsense in the guise of bad jokes, old wives’ tales and “we all know” statements, while everyone else nods in silent affirmation. Or perhaps they are simply unable to hold their heads up any longer.
So your “elderly” patient blows in, withered from the Cayman sun, and spouts about “them n—–s” who feed off the avails of guys like him, who’ve worked hard all their lives sheltering the money they inherited from daddy. And you are afraid to mention it to your boss because you suspect that, deep down, he agrees — or like those nodding-birds at the coffee shop, would at least give tacit consent.
But there’s something else going on.
Your aging bigot never acts out in front of other patients; he saves it for you. Which forces me to ask: what are you doing to encourage, or at least give permission, for him to act that way?
Don’t be mad just because I pose the question. I ask, you see, because of behaviour I sometimes notice, to my shame, in myself. Occasionally I find myself in social situations, usually involving beer, in which friends say things I likely wouldn’t say myself — perhaps about women, First Nations people, poor folks — whatever. Sometimes these comments are jokes; sometimes statements about things “everybody knows,” and so on.
Too often, I let those statements go unchallenged. I laugh lamely at the jokes. I stare at my hands. I go to the john. Why? Well, perhaps because I like the gang and want to be part of it. Perhaps because it makes me feel superior: “I would never say that.” And perhaps, too, because these comments tap into my own subcutaneous “isms” — things I wouldn’t say myself but am smugly satisfied to hear from others.
Your old bigot doesn’t act that way in front of others, but feels OK doing so in front of you. So yes, I suspect you are somehow enabling him. This has nothing to do with your boss. It’s between you and the patient. If you want him to stop being a racist A-hole, stop giving him permission to do so.
And I promise: if you try, I’ll try harder too.
Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca
Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca
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