With Donald Trump, narcissism has once again become a fashionable concept, a word, too, that is causing buzz on social networks and in the media. Social media and other online platforms are now full of advice and theories from life coaches, therapists, psychologists, and self-proclaimed narcissists claiming to provide the keys to “how to deal with a relationship with a narcissist — or their own symptoms.”
It is important to come back to the facts and the definitions of what we are talking about concretely. In its common acceptance, the term “narcissism” is used to describe someone who is selfish and self-centered. An individual who exhibits narcissistic traits may suffer from a personality disorder, called “narcissistic personality disorder”.
Over the past decade, the rapid development of social networks has changed the way people communicate and interact with each other. Surfing on Facebook, TikTok or Instagram can thus give the impression of being on a trip to a narcissistic country…
As a licensed family therapist specializing in attachment-related relationship issues, I have worked with many couples where one partner was on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. Narcissistic partners are particularly difficult to deal with, because they have often succeeded in convincing their partner that they are the ones who are dysfunctional.
Personality Disorder Psychiatrist Dr. Otto Kernberg differentiates between “normal” and pathological narcissism. To do this, he assesses the patient’s ability to take part in satisfying romantic relationships.
“Normal” narcissism is actually a well-integrated sense of self, which generally serves the common good and is reflected, for example, in being proud of an achievement. In contrast, pathological narcissism describes extreme variations between feelings of inferiority and failure and feelings of superiority or a delusion of grandeur.
But, if an excessive desire for attention or approval, even an inflated sense of self, surfaces in this search for progress, we are no longer in the realm of healthy narcissism.
The pathological narcissist views everyone else as an extension of himself. Those who share his life, especially his inner circle, must be perfect, as they contribute to the narcissist’s self-image. As with other personality disorders, a vicious circle of idealization and devaluation is created, thus generating a toxic relationship.
A good partner for a narcissist would therefore be someone who is supportive of this grandiose sense of self – and since this confirmation is the primary driver of a narcissist’s relationship, the narcissist is usually not interested in having it. learn a lot about each other.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of extreme psychological and emotional abuse characterized by manipulative forms of communication and intentional deception, for the purpose of exploitation, by a person who meets the criteria for pathological narcissism.
Narcissistic abuse can be of several types. They are often insidious and difficult to recognize – but it is important to identify the main traits.
Narcissists often develop controlling and manipulative relationships with their partner’s friends and family. The victim may therefore feel reluctant to count on the support of his inner circle. Finding a specialist therapist is the first step in the healing process.
Many patients have told me that their therapists are not familiar with the concept of “pathological narcissism”. In this case, I suggest they go to therapists who specialize in emotion or transference work: this approach is not limited only to interactions that occur outside of sessions and thus helps to identify communication patterns. destructive at work during the sessions.
From my point of view, relationships with a narcissistic partner are among the most difficult to deal with because they are often reluctant to participate in therapy. They don’t admit they need help and find it difficult to cooperate with the therapist. Effective couple therapies are therefore rare… but not impossible. They can only occur when the narcissistic partner recognizes that their expectations are unreasonable and destructive.
* April Nisan Ilkmen is a doctoral student in couple and family therapy at Adler University in Chicago, Illinois.